Throwing in the Towel.

This season just hasn't gone all that well.

I thought I could lose the weight... but I didn't.
I thought I could get in the miles... but I didn't.
I thought I would race often... but I didn't.
I thought I could fix the short circuit between my ears... but I didn't.
 
There's a million reasons (excuses) for all of this, but the end result is that I'm just not riding as well as I could be. Every time I thought I might be able to turn it around, I slipped further behind. I'm fat, out of shape, and unmotivated.
 
It was in this state that I started the 2014 Tour of Anchorage tonight. Since karma is a bitch, the first stage was a hill climb. I knew I wasn't going to do well, and I didn't disappoint myself. Out of 11 racers in my class, I finished 8th. I was almost a minute slower than the last time I raced that course, even though I set a new personal best for 20 minute power (don't know how that happened). The hard, cruel truth of the matter is that my power-to-weight ratio is horrible. I can crank out the watts all I want, but the additional weight is dragging me back down the hill.
 
One stage in, and I don't have a prayer of seeing the podium (barring a terrorist act or massive pileup). I'll ride my best, maybe throw caution to the wind here or there, and probably get dropped. I might even pull a muscle (again). I'll probably finish dead-last on GC by the time Sunday is over.
 
Doesn't matter. I'm already looking towards next season. I'm looking forward to getting my brains pounded out in cyclocross. I'm looking forward to ski season with the Alyeska Mighty Mites and my daughter. I'm looking forward to losing the weight and being so skinny that strangers offer me sandwiches. I'm looking forward.
 
I'm done looking back. There's no point in it. I can't be the rider I was last year, but maybe I can be better.
 
Maybe I can be that man. Better than I was before. Better, stronger, faster...
 
Hopefully it won't cost me Six Million Dollars.

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