Been Awhile.

Haven't written recently. Haven't felt like it. The world crumbled around me when my wife asked for a divorce for Christmas.

Brutal.

Months later, I'm still fragile. A stiff breeze can send me into sobbing fits and dark depression. Where I am now, we get a lot of wind.

When I came home from Cold Bay I didn't touch my bike for over a month. Instead, I focused on what I've come to realize is truly important- my kids. They are really what provides meaning to my life. They need to know that, so I told them.

I spent time talking to my dogs, rebuilding the relationships that were weakened by long absences. They need to know how much they mean to me, so I told them.

I threw myself into home projects. Sexy stuff like vinyl plank flooring. I packed up all of my wife's stuff and marveled at how much room there was. Slowly I'm reclaiming the house, making it functional again. I accepted what it was when she was there, but she's not anymore. I get to reimagine and shape. At my core, that's what I really enjoy.

I'm shattered. I was right on the edge of a really bad thing, and now I'm trying to piece my life back together. The bike may play a role in it, but only if it doesn't interfere with my realigned priorities. Little by little, it hurts less. Little by little, I don't want to cry or lash out in anger. I have my moments, and I let them happen when I'm alone. Then I sit down and think about them and whether or not they were justified.

I haven't spoken to my wife in months, other than a few words that couldn't be avoided. We email and text, which allows me to craft my responses. I don't trust myself. I took off my ring and started putting one foot in front of the other. I have no idea where I'm going, but I do know I need to keep moving. Things will improve, and I will heal. I need time and distance. I need to adapt to the new realities and see the new opportunities in front of me.

A day in the saddle with the warm sun on my back wouldn't hurt either.

One step at a time. 

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Let's be honest here. I have no idea if I'll do more than a couple posts before dropping off the face of the earth again. Please understand I just haven't been in the right mental space, and may not be again. All I want is to be "me" again, and I look forward to figuring out who that is.

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