Small.

As I made the seven hour drive home, I reflected about how Alaska can make you feel small. Of course, the part through Denali National Park is designed to do just that.

  

Last Monday my wife rushed out and told me her father had stage four pancreatic cancer. Within an hour the RV was loaded and we were on the road to Fairbanks. We spent the week living out of the RV in the driveway while my wife came to grips with the situation and helped make arrangements. As usual, I was useless.

  

I brought a bike, but because of rain, mosquitos, and a general lack of give a shit, I didn't ride it until Chris Knott shamed me into joining the Saturday Goldstream group ride. I told him I would be dropped, and he assured me I would hang in there. I was right and he was wrong. I was dropped and left far behind when the pace increased, but I had a nice ride on unfamiliar roads. The wrong turns I made led me back to the start just as the fast guys arrived.

  

That afternoon we drove home. I figured I'd try to earn the distinction of being dropped on two group rides in two separate cities on consecutive days. We arrived home in time for me get a maximum of six hours of sleep before I had to get up for the Kaladi ride. The puppy decided that was two much, so I got a solid three and a half. Then it started to rain. I bailed and went back to bed.

  

With the perspective that you are small, and thus have a relatively small span of control, the real choices you have are somewhat limited. I use my meager portion to make mostly bad choices, like not riding and pulling up to the McDonalds drive-thru. When faced with all of the noise and uncertainty in the world today, I consistently abdicate.

  

My father-in-law has been handed a death sentence. He's accepted it as part of life and something to be experienced. Part of my Buddhist monk mother-in-law's influence, and I admire it. I would just roll over and take another nap. He's taking what remains of his choices and making them deliberately.

  

I need to adopt that mindset. I may not be big, but I can do something positive with my little corner of the world.

  

Like throwing a leg over the top tube.