Phrase of the Day.

Today's Phrase of the Day:
   Douche Flute 
    /do͞oSH flo͞ot/   (noun)  A vaporizer that is smoked as a cigarette replacement.
I'm using this one as much as I can, because it's the most apt description of an annoying device that I've seen in a long time. Use it in your daily life, and perhaps the idiots that use them will realize that they aren't healthy and are incredibly stupid looking.
  I know a thing or two about being a douche.
  I smoked for ten years. I started because I was 18 and dating a girl who smoked, so I smoked. Not really sound reasoning, but I was 18. Back then it was cheap to smoke, and I thought I'd live forever. Growing up in Richmond, Virginia, a bunch of my friends had parents that worked for the tobacco industry. The social stigma wasn't there. It was just something you did.
  Ten years later, I was up to two packs a day. I smelled bad. I woke up every morning hacking. I felt like crap. Smoking was bleeding my bank account dry, costing me up to $2.60 a day (gasp!). It still didn't occur to me to quit.
  One day my then-wife, a nurse, told me to quit. Actually it was an ultimatum. The next day I didn't smoke. I'm sure I was a complete joy to be around, but it was the one and only time I've shown any actual willpower. If you're going to use it all up on one thing, that's a pretty good thing to use it on. It took me another five or so years before I did something else healthy, which was buy a bike. Gotta pace yourself.
  In all my time smoking, I owned my habit. I was stinky and offensive. I didn't pretend it was healthy or better for me than something else (heroin?). It was bad for me and everyone around me, and I knew it. More accurately, I ignored it, because... I am a self-centered bastard. I was a douchebag years before I started racing.
  The douche flute enthusiasts don't own their addiction. They cover it up with flavorings like cotton candy and tell themselves they're being healthy. They're just being douche-y... but not in a wheel-sucking, lycra wearing way. They try to hide the toxic nature of their addiction, but they just end up looking like even bigger douches. Since the douche flute has robbed them of any aerobic capacity, they can't even express their douchebagginess (that's now a word) through wheel-sucking and sprinting. With all of that potential blocked by self-induced physical limitations, they are forced to wear fedoras or pretty much anything on this list. Guy Fieri probably has a large collection of douche flutes.
After smoking for ten years, I probably come off as an evangelistic convert. "I-did-this-but-you-can't-because-it's-bad", or something like that. Being a self-centered bastard, I'll own that. Looking back, I can't see anything positive I got from smoking. I got a lot of negative. Shortly after I quit, I realized the smell of smoke made me sick. Can't stand it anymore, and you'd think that I would have developed a tolerance. Nope.
With that point, you'd think I'd actually prefer douche flutes. Nope, now all I smell is the exhaust from other people that smells like they were huffing Glade air fresheners or lighting up jelly beans in a crack pipe. I don't want to smell that either, because it naturally draws your eyes to the guy wearing a hoodie under his blazer. When you suck, you don't have to advertise. People figure it out pretty quickly. At least, they do with me.
So, go forth and use today's phrase as much as possible. The world will be a better place. At the very least, it will stink less. The only downside I see is there could be more sprinters in the peloton, which could drive me to smoke.


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