I Wanted To, But I Didn't.

I leave today for five or so weeks. In the COVID era, I try not to get too deep into specifics. I'm not overjoyed about leaving, but I make more money at the radar sites than I do on my bike.

I'm even less pleased that I rode outside exactly zero days in the past month. Rain, cold, and online school kept me on the trainer instead of on pavement. Most years I would have ridden outside anyway, but without a base of outside riding and the built-up tolerance for wet and cold, I bailed. I couldn't afford to drive my immunity down and get sick. Even an unusual sniffle would have set off alarm bells, and 'Rona testing would have been required. Maybe quarantine. Maybe I would learn that I wasn't in fact negative, but just asymptomatic. Then, just like the President, I would be invincible. I would still be out a ton of money, so I rode the trainer.

I wanted to ride outside. I'm facing a long, dark winter inside. I wanted to feel the thrill and fear of a long, technical descent. I wanted to sprint for random points and chase down unsuspecting cyclists. I wanted to note the change of season from the saddle. But it was not to be. As sacrifices go, it was pretty small, but it was meaningful to me.

I hope next summer goes better. I hope COVID's impact on daily life is somehow mitigated by then. I hope I have the fitness and opportunity to race again. Most of all, I hope things are "better". No election, legislation, stimulus package, or immunization is going to fix what ails us, but I'd like to be moving in the right direction. After the last year, I think we're about due for a glimmer of hope.

I wanted to do a lot of things this year, but I didn't for various reasons. After a few years of not doing things because I wasn't motivated, it was good to have some fresh excuses. That said, I'd rather go back to attributing my failures to my own inadequacies.

I'm hopeful. I'm building towards something. I have no idea what it is, but maybe I'll figure it out when I get there.

I want to, and I hope I can.

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