Alaskan Pack Fodder

I've ridden the trainer eight days straight, the last two being double workouts. Usually I go for six days and then take a rest day, but this week I just kept going. I had stuff to work through, stress to eliminate. I just kept cranking away every chance I got. There is a fragile balance there. If I push it too hard, it all backfires and things spiral downwards into a very dark place. Perspective is lost and any chance of a positive outcome is lost. Last spring I cooked myself on the trainer, so when I had the opportunity to actually ride on pavement I had no motivation. A couple of weeks of unmotivated grinding and then a handful of sporadic rides was my total for the whole summer. I got dropped every time I rode with other people. That lack of enthusiasm bled into just about everything I did. Sure, I would rally for a project or other short-term endeavor, but it was only a momentary respite from the swirling toilet bowl I'd made of my life. It wasn't just the overtraining...

Yeah, I skipped last week. Your refund is in the mail. To be honest, I didn't feel like blogging. I didn't feel like doing much of anything. I was hit with some devastating news that left me curled up in a fetal ball. Isolated and alone, stuck in the middle of a wildlife preserve in southwest Alaska, there was nothing I could do about it. I fell apart. Then I got on the trainer and started riding. Every day I got up and put one foot in front of the other and tried to dig myself out of the hole. I reflected a lot. I avoided plundering the sites beer stash, given my current state. I did the work I'm paid to do, but not to the level I aspire to. I'm a mess. I don't know if I'm going to blog much for a while. Sorry. I have a lot to work through and posting it for the world to see is not my style. That's not what this blog is about. We'll see where this all leads when we get there.

Tomorrow I leave for Cold Bay. Yeah, I'm spending the holidays in a cozy place named Cold Bay. In addition to being a one-man site, the local area is locked down really tight. If I talk to more than one person in-person during my stay, I'll be surprised. It's not that I'm the most social person normally, but even Grumpy McGrumpyface can look forward to an occasional, heartfelt "'sup?" So I guess I'll be spending a lot of time on the trainer, grinding myself down further and peaking just in time for... mid-winter. Yeah, sounds like a great idea. I mean, winning sprints in Watopia and earning green jerseys that expire in an hour is pretty much the height of glory in the pandemic era. I think. I don't get out much these days. I'd much rather be home with my family. After three years being away for the major holidays, it's starting to lose its charm. I don't miss the decorations and lights and parties and traditional stuff that hasn't b...

When I hit that nice, round Chronic Training Load (CTL) number on Training Peaks, I thought it was a nice place to stop. I set up my workouts to start easing off a bit, to prevent burnout. For a few days I actually stuck with the plan, and then the numbers started climbing again. Maybe it was a sprint-friendly course or a group on Zwift that drove me to push the boundaries a bit. At any rate, a new, beautiful, round number was staring me in the face and I couldn't resist. The last week of the trip I pushed it a bit harder, and I passed the number on Friday. Then I kept going, fearing it would drop below the magic number on my next rest day (which is kinda the point of not riding). I added a little padding on Saturday and Sunday, and was rewarded with the kind of fatigue that comes extended, pointless flogging of oneself. I've never been a huge fan of stairs, but when you need a nap, 5 Hour Energy, and a pep talk to make it up a single flight of stairs, you know you've overd...

This is my 983rd blog post. Sound like a lot? I guess it is. Certainly others have written far more with greater skill. Still, for a guy who varied from a post every month or so to one almost every day to the current twice a week deal, it's a lot of bullshit clogging up the internet. In 17 more posts I'll be at a nice, round 1,000 posts. I'm not sure what I'll do then. Probably keep on going until I don't feel like doing it anymore. It's been a struggle at times, but eventually it just became more or less a habit. Riding a bike is pretty much like that. Once you get going, you just tend to keep moving. Once you stop, it gets harder to overcome inertia and start again. Since I see this as a more or less positive exercise, I figure I'll keep going.  It's certainly more intellectually stimulating than cruising Facebook or online shopping. It's a time when I can focus and expand on a small thought. Some stay small and go nowhere, while a select few actua...

Tomorrow another hitch at a remote site is coming to an end. When I'm home, there are all sorts of things that compete for my time. In the field, I have working, eating, sleeping, watching TV, surfing the web, and riding the trainer. That's it. After a while, the only one I want to do anymore is sleeping. The rest slowly grind me down mentally and physically. I'm at the point where I'm pedaling harder and not seeing the same results. That's a sure sign of burnout, so I've been pretty much coasting the last couple weeks. Do just enough not to lose significant ground, and wait for the legs to come back around. It's taking a while, but one thing I've had plenty of here is time. I miss my wife and kids and dogs and bed and... everything. I feel like a stranger when I return, as their lives have gone on while mine has been more or less suspended in time. It takes a while to get up to speed, to feel like I belong. Then it's back again to the grinding wheel...

I had it all planned out. A week of easy rides to slowly back myself from the edge and allow me to capitalize on the gains of the last three months. But staring me in the face was that number. That nice, round number. So, I stuck with the plan. Sort of. I rode easy. Easier than I had since my first, limping days back on the bike months ago. Then I'd sprint and immediately regret it. Then I'd ride easy for longer than I should. So, instead of my chronic training load dropping back to a sustainable level, it crept up. The nice round number was surpassed, and all I got for the milestone was tired. So, I guess I'm going to try this again. Riding easy on a trainer is not a lot of fun for me. Actually riding really hard isn't all that much fun for me either. But when I really think about it, waking up with a persistent ache that I have to carry the entire day like a backpack full of lead weights probably sucks the most. And that's where I am. Falling apart. All is not los...