Alone Again.

Tomorrow I leave for Cold Bay. Yeah, I'm spending the holidays in a cozy place named Cold Bay. In addition to being a one-man site, the local area is locked down really tight. If I talk to more than one person in-person during my stay, I'll be surprised.

It's not that I'm the most social person normally, but even Grumpy McGrumpyface can look forward to an occasional, heartfelt "'sup?"

So I guess I'll be spending a lot of time on the trainer, grinding myself down further and peaking just in time for... mid-winter. Yeah, sounds like a great idea. I mean, winning sprints in Watopia and earning green jerseys that expire in an hour is pretty much the height of glory in the pandemic era. I think. I don't get out much these days.

I'd much rather be home with my family. After three years being away for the major holidays, it's starting to lose its charm. I don't miss the decorations and lights and parties and traditional stuff that hasn't been nixed by COVID. I miss the kids and my wife and the dogs. That's pretty much it. Maybe next year...

Could be worse. 

I have a job that keeps the heat on and tummies full when a lot of people are out of work. For a guy like me, being able to provide for your family is pretty much the definition of self worth.

Still, I'm terrified my family will discover how irrelevant and worthless I truly am during these long trips. Their lives have to go on while I'm off playing at the radar sites, and a paycheck is not the same as a person home every night to help with the load.

My sparkly glitter rainbow unicorn daughter is turning into a moody grey teenager, and I'm not there. My youngest son is growing by leaps and bounds and I'm missing more than I like. My middle son is facing graduation in the midst of a pandemic with no idea what he wants to do with his life. My oldest should be working now, but co-morbidities are keeping him out of the workforce and I'm scared he's developing habits that won't serve him well in the future. My wife is working herself into the ground for her students, trying for her Masters, and acting as a single parent when I'm away. Yeah, terrified is a good way to describe me these days.

And I get to worry alone, in isolated places with people I really try to share as little as possible with. The stress bears down on me at times and manifests itself in new and frightening ways. I read self-help books and reflect on myself a lot, but it only goes so far. Then I fire up the trainer and sprint until I drool. Isolated and powerless to do much more that call and transfer money, it's the best I can do. How long I can keep going is the real question. 

I backed off a bit the last week, so maybe I bought myself a little time. I don't think my mental health can handle a physical crash now. I just need to hold on a little longer and hopefully things will go my way. Maybe I'll get to stay home more and do shorter trips if a promotion within the company pans out. 

Hold it together.

Hold it together.

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