Well, That Didn't Work.
I woke my wife up the other morning, which happened to be her birthday.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" she asked groggily.
"Oh. Sorry. Happy Halloween or something."
Unlike my wife, I don't like to be reminded of my birthday, which commemorates my mother's transition from relatively brief, intense pain to the low-burn, chronic pain that has accompanied my time on earth for those in my general vicinity. Every time I looped around the sun, people would wish me happiness on that particular day, with the implication the other 364 would be a return to drudgery. After 21 of these days, the practice became less and less meaningful to me. Each time a person would offer me their congratulations for continuing to breathe, I was reminded that it was only going to get worse.
Wow, that got dark fast.
What I've been noticing is that what worked for me a couple years ago isn't doing the trick anymore. In particular, losing or even maintaining a semi-decent cycling weight is more and more of a challenge. I'll go back to that one thing I did a few years ago that really worked, stick to it religiously, and have no appreciable change in my weight. Or it will go up. I'll try something else and have the exact same result.
I know there are those of you out there that will say that I'm eating all the wrong things, and they're absolutely right. "Just eat kale and beetroot in a quinoa puree with just a dash of tofu for extra flavor, and the weight will fall off." I have two things to say to those people:
Just the other week I tried eating Lunchables as my workday source of performance fuel. They're only 330 calories each, and three or four of these highly-concentrated power packs of synthetic energy (nothing natural there) will get me through the morning. For some reason the results weren't as impressive as I had initially hoped.
Back to the drawing board.
Losing weight has been a matter of will for me over the last ten or so years. The more times I go around the sun, the less will I have in this regard. I'm still hoping to stumble across something that my weak mind can sustain, which will result in a power-to-weight ratio that would rival Floyd Landis' in his heyday. Hell, I would accept the power-to-weight of reefer-peddling Floyd at this point. It would be an all-time high.
Wait. There might be something there. Too bad my profession prevents experimentation with the performance-enhancing characteristics of wacky tobacky...
"Aren't you forgetting something?" she asked groggily.
"Oh. Sorry. Happy Halloween or something."
Unlike my wife, I don't like to be reminded of my birthday, which commemorates my mother's transition from relatively brief, intense pain to the low-burn, chronic pain that has accompanied my time on earth for those in my general vicinity. Every time I looped around the sun, people would wish me happiness on that particular day, with the implication the other 364 would be a return to drudgery. After 21 of these days, the practice became less and less meaningful to me. Each time a person would offer me their congratulations for continuing to breathe, I was reminded that it was only going to get worse.
Wow, that got dark fast.
What I've been noticing is that what worked for me a couple years ago isn't doing the trick anymore. In particular, losing or even maintaining a semi-decent cycling weight is more and more of a challenge. I'll go back to that one thing I did a few years ago that really worked, stick to it religiously, and have no appreciable change in my weight. Or it will go up. I'll try something else and have the exact same result.
I know there are those of you out there that will say that I'm eating all the wrong things, and they're absolutely right. "Just eat kale and beetroot in a quinoa puree with just a dash of tofu for extra flavor, and the weight will fall off." I have two things to say to those people:
- No.
- Fuck you.
Just the other week I tried eating Lunchables as my workday source of performance fuel. They're only 330 calories each, and three or four of these highly-concentrated power packs of synthetic energy (nothing natural there) will get me through the morning. For some reason the results weren't as impressive as I had initially hoped.
Back to the drawing board.
Losing weight has been a matter of will for me over the last ten or so years. The more times I go around the sun, the less will I have in this regard. I'm still hoping to stumble across something that my weak mind can sustain, which will result in a power-to-weight ratio that would rival Floyd Landis' in his heyday. Hell, I would accept the power-to-weight of reefer-peddling Floyd at this point. It would be an all-time high.
Wait. There might be something there. Too bad my profession prevents experimentation with the performance-enhancing characteristics of wacky tobacky...
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