Donald Trump Press Release.

(ROULEURS) WASHINGTON —  Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump is taking a break from his campaign to step back into the role of bicycle race promoter, something he hasn't done since the 1990 Tour de Trump. He delivered this speech on the font porch of Goldstream Sports in regards to this year's Tour of Fairbanks, just-a-hair-below-arctic America's premier road cycling race:
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Wow. Whoa. This is some group of people. Thousands.
(APPLAUSE)
So nice, thank you very much. That's really nice. Thank you. It's great to be in Fairbanks, Alaska. And it's an honor to have everybody here. This is beyond anybody's expectations. There's been no crowd like this.
(APPLAUSE)
Let me make one thing clear, this race is going to be huge. It will be a major, super-classy race. A fantastic race. We're going to make the Tour of Fairbanks great again. We've kicked all of the haters and losers out of town, and with my brand associated with the race it will be enormous.
(APPLAUSE) 
Every one of my races has racers. Sometimes thirty racers. Or a hundred. And they're great races. Terrific races. That I can tell you. Believe me. They're great. With the best racers. Terrific bike racers. Racing.
(APPLAUSE) 
To be perfectly honest, Fairbanks is in serious trouble. We don't have victories anymore. We used to have victories, but we don't have them. When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let's say, Talkeetna in a bike race? They kill us. I beat Talkeetna all the time. All the time.
(APPLAUSE) 
When do we beat Anchorage? They're laughing at us, at our bike-handling skills. They are not our friend, believe me. But they're killing us in crits.
(APPLAUSE) 
Thank you. It's true, and these are the best and the finest. When Anchorage sends its racers, they're not sending their best. They're not sending you. They're not sending you. They're sending racers that have lots of derailleur problems, and they're bringing those problems to us. They're bringing triathletes. They're bringing fixie-riding hipsters. They're wheel-choppers. And some, I assume, are good cyclists. But I speak to race directors and they tell us what we're getting. And it only makes common sense. It only makes common sense.
(APPLAUSE) 
It's coming from more than Anchorage. It's coming from all over south central Alaska, and it's coming probably -- probably -- from the MatSu. But we get pipped at the line every time. Because we have no top-end speed and we have no endurance, we can't read a race. And it's got to stop and it's got to stop fast.
(APPLAUSE) 
In the past the Anchorage Road Division was much smarter, much sharper, much more cunning. They send the bad racers up because they didn't want to deal with them. They didn't want to take care of them. Why should they when Fairbanks will do it for them?
(APPLAUSE) 

Now, our race needs -- our race needs a truly great race promoter, and we need a truly great promoter now. We need a promoter that wrote "The Art of the Prime."
(APPLAUSE) 
We need a promoter that can bring back racers, can bring back full race classes, can bring back bike shop sock primes, can take care of our race directors. Our race directors have been abandoned.
(APPLAUSE) 
We need somebody that can take the brand of the Trump Tour of Fairbanks and make it great again. It's not great again.
(APPLAUSE) 
We need -- we need somebody -- we need somebody that literally will take this bike race and make it great again. We can do that.
(APPLAUSE)
And, I will tell you, I love my bike. I have wonderful carbon wheels.
(APPLAUSE) 
You know, all of my life, I've heard that a truly successful bike racer, a really, really successful bike racer and even modestly successful cannot live on pork fat and simple carbs. Just can't happen. And yet that's the kind of diet that you need to make this stage race great again.
(APPLAUSE)
It can happen. Our roads have tremendous potential. We have tremendous riders.
(APPLAUSE) 
We have riders that aren't racing. We have riders that have no incentive to race. But they're going to have incentive to race, because the greatest exercise program is a race. And they'll be proud, and they'll love it, and they'll build much more muscle than they would've ever built just riding around, and they'll be -- they'll be riding so well, and we're going to be thriving as a road racing community, thriving. It can happen.
 (APPLAUSE)
I will be the greatest race promoter that God ever created. I tell you that.
(APPLAUSE) 
I'll bring back our racers from Anchorage, from Talkeetna, from McGrath, from so many places. I'll bring back our racers, and I'll bring back our races.
(APPLAUSE) 
I'm not doing that to brag, because you know what? I don't have to brag. I don't have to, believe it or not. I'm doing that to say that that's the kind of thinking our bike race needs. We need that thinking. We have the opposite thinking. We have losers. We have losers. We have people that don't have it. We have people that pedal squares. We have people that think Di2 will make them faster.
(APPLAUSE)
So, just to sum up, I would do various things very quickly.
(APPLAUSE) 
I would bring back the Globe Creek/Wickersham Dome queen stage .
(RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE)
I would build a great crit course, and nobody builds crit courses better than me, believe me, and I'll build them very inexpensively, I will build a great, great crit course on the UAF campus. And I will have UAF pay for that crit course. Mark my words.
(HUGE APPLAUSE)
Nobody would be tougher on yellow line violations than Donald Trump. Nobody.
(SUBDUED APPLAUSE) 
I will find -- within our peloton, I will find the Tom Boonen or I will find Peter Sagan, I will find the right guy. I will find the guy that's going to take that bike and make it really work. Nobody, nobody will be pushing us around in the sprints.
(EMBARRASSED APPLAUSE)
I will stop Anchorage from getting carbon fiber.
(APPLAUSE) 
I will immediately terminate any plans for uphill gravel stages, immediately.
(VERY, VERY LOUD APPLAUSE)
End -- end electric bikes. Electric bikes should -- they're a disaster. Tyson is totally in favor of electric bikes. I don't see how he can possibly work at a bike shop. He's weak on race craft. He's in favor of electric bikes. We have to end -- power has to come from the legs and lungs.
(APPLAUSE)
Fully support and back up more bike infrastructure.
(APPLAUSE)
Nobody can do that like me. Believe me. It will be done on time, on budget, way below cost, way below what anyone ever thought. I look at the roads being built all over the country, and I say I can build those things with more room for bike racing venues. What they do is unbelievable, how bad.
(APPLAUSE)
So we have to rebuild our infrastructure, our bridges, our roadways, our airports so that they're suitable road racing venues. You come into Fairbanks Airport, it's like we're in a third world country. You look at the patches in the pavement. They throw down asphalt, and they throw. You look at these airports, we are like a third world country. And I come in from China and I come in from Qatar and I come in from different places, and they have the most incredible airport criterium courses in the world. You come to back to this country and you have Fairbanks Airplane Patch, disaster. You have all of these disastrous race venues.
(APPLAUSE)
Sadly, road racing is dead. But as race promoter I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before, and we will make road racing great again.
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you. Thank you very much.
(ORGASMIC APPLAUSE)
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So, yeah, with all of those assurances from the most trusted man in America, I'm throwing my hat in the ring. The wife gave me her blessing (at least, that's what I interpreted that frustrated sigh and shrug as), so right now my plan is to line up in Fairbanks in early June. I'm going to be fat and out of shape, but if I can, I'm going to make the trip.
 
I suggest everyone do the same, because I've heard from a reliable source that it will be "huge", "classy", and "fantastic".
 
More to come...

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