Well, That's a First For Me.

The other day I was skiing and noticed a sliver of my forehead was extremely cold. I reached up, and sure enough, there was a sizeable "gaper gap" between my goggles and my helmet. I looked like a complete dork, which isn't exactly a new experience for a guy who likes to prance around in brightly colored, form-fitting lycra. A larger issue than the dorkishness of my appearance was the helmet, which normally is supposed to protect my noggin, was so loose it was more of a safety liability. I would have been better off with a hipster's ironic wool beanie.
  
I tried to tighten it down, figuring the ratcheting system had loosened, but it appeared to be jammed somehow and wouldn't budge. Crap, this was an expensive helmet I bought not too long ago, and already it was broken. I spent the rest of the afternoon trying very hard not to fall down while guiding my small group of kid racers down some of the harder outer areas open that day on Alyeska. Simultaneously skiing down a double-black diamond, constantly looking over your shoulder to ensure nobody in your group is in the process of actively dying, and not falling is an art form that I've worked on the last few years. It's not pretty, but it is the most effective way of preventing an irate parent from pummeling you just because you "lost" their precious little child in a tree well or under a few measly feet of avalanche debris. Sheesh.
  
At the end of the day, with more or less nobody maimed, I pulled off my helmet and inspected it. It would loosen just fine, but at a certain point it wouldn't get any smaller no matter how hard I tried. After several hours of scientific experimentation, I came to the conclusion that it was too big. Somehow, in the last year of ownership, the hard plastic shell and all of the attached components had grown a size. That was the only possible explanation for why this helmet, which once fit me perfectly and had plenty of range of adjustment, no longer cradled my head as it once did.
  
Perplexed, I went home and pulled out a POC helmet I had purchased online on clearance (no returns), only to find it didn't fit my head. Oddly enough, it slipped right on. Somehow the atoms from the old helmet had transferred to the POC, stretching it just enough to make it comfortable. 
  
This matter transfer will be fully documented in my upcoming peer-reviewed chemistry paper, the contents of which will likely astound the scientific community with their real world applications. Just imagine- bike too big? Just buy one two sizes smaller, store them next to each other for a year, and they'll average out into two perfectly-sized bikes. I'm now starting a GoFundMe page to finance my thesis, because I also need to prove the reverse. I'll buy two very expensive bikes (that fit me perfectly), store them next to each other for a year, ride the hell out of them, and then record any changes in their physical mass.
  
Sounds legit.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Sprint Intervals.

Nostalgia.

Uniform Suckiness.