Not Interested.

In 2010 Fabian Cancellara was accused of mechanical doping. Ever since then, the UCI has been checking bikes using various methods (including airport body scanners) for motors on bikes. A lot of people called their quest quixotic at best, and an insult to the professional integrity of cyclists (that one makes me laugh) at worst. After five years of searching, they finally found one.
 
I lump eBikes and other motorized bicycles in the same category as mopeds- not a bicycle. If it has a motor that isn't the rider, I'm not interested in it. I can understand the want or need to ride a motor-assisted conveyance for general transportation. After all, I drive a car. I'd rather that eBike be registered as a motor vehicle and not be allowed in bike lanes, multi-use-trails/paths, or other established non-motorized routes on or off pavement. In other words, I'd rather them be out playing in rush-hour traffic with no other alternative. That way the average potential user would be too terrified to ever ride or buy one, sales would plummet, and they would disappear from the face of the earth. You could say I'm not a fan.
 
In competition, I can see the urge to get a leg up on everyone else. That's why we all use EPO/HGH/testosterone and transfuse massive quantities of blood- to hang with the pack in the local office park crit. That's just leveling the playing field, because our parents weren't considerate enough to be Davis and Connie Phinney. Completely understandable.
 
However, sticking a motor in your bike opens you up to the sort of unrestrained hate that Miss Van den Driessche (try spelling that three times fast) is the target of right about now. If you had just followed her brother's lead and gotten popped for EPO, she would have been eligible to race again in a couple years and would have received a residual boost from her doping. Unless the electromagnetic fields created some strange muscular adaptations, chances are her mechanical doping isn't going to result in any positive outcome. I'm willing to bet the UCI, free from any outside legal restraint and eager to justify all of that testing, is going to come down on her like a ton of bricks. She'll be lucky if they allow her to ride a Dutch city bike to the market.
 
I ride a bike to exercise. I guess it would be different if I had any talent. Since I haven't been burdened with athletic ability, I don't feel compelled to "motor-up". My lack of performance can be directly attributed to my physical inadequacies coupled with my lack of willpower and drive, not a lack of amperage. I have no need for the added excuses. I do fine on my own.
 
Poor little Femke, saddled with far more potential than she could handle, was funneled by the corrupt system into the shady underworld of mechanical doping. If she was only as unspectacular as I am, she would have avoided this fate completely and would have been content with the more mundane pharmacological enhancements.


This just reinforces my perception that everyone that's faster than I am is cheating. They have to be. I follow the program Michele Ferrari designed for me to the letter, yet people are still faster than I am. Now I know why- motors.
 
In the spirit of fair play, I'm going to institute a mechanical doping detection program of my own. Since I don't have the resources of the UCI, I will have to cut the seat tubes and carbon wheels of all of my competitors' bikes with a hacksaw at the start line of every race this season to ensure no one is cheating. This program will have to remain in place for at least the next five years, even if no motors are detected, because Femke may sneak into the Southcentral Alaska peloton if we are not vigilant. I was going to build a wall, but Mexico said they wouldn't fund it, so this is the only other way to ensure a level playing field.
 
To save time at the start line, I won't cut my own seat tube or wheels and instead will rely on my own first-hand knowledge of the components used on the build. Signed testimonials can be produced (generated) on request. Just provide the pen and paper.
 
Sounds fair to me.

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