Lacking Focus.
I'm looking at my last season of fairly reliable availability to go put on my underwear and go ride a kid's toy against other people with Walter Mitty-esque delusions. When I start my next career, I will be starting more or less at the bottom. As my goal is continued employment (and the making of the monies), I'm going to take what they give me, smile, then ask for more. Hopefully a perception of reliability will make them overlook my countless personality defects. This means I may or may not be available for any given race, and long-term planning is out the window
So, facing this variable future, a hardcore racer boy would make sure he went out with a bang. He'd throw everything he had at training and diet to ensure the best chance for results. He would as be focused and determined as a honey badger in his quest.
I'm finding it hard to muster that sort of drive this year.
A lot probably has to do with stress and its effect on my life. I have to prioritize my life, and right now sleep and other non-focused activities are high on my list. I don't want to think, because even at my peak I'm not very good at it. I just want to decompress and not worry how the 18 doughnuts I just shoved into my pie-hole will impact a race six months from now. I just want doughnuts. Screw the future. The future is scary and uncertain, but doughnuts are unintimidating and delicious.
Maybe this is also a result of trying to recover from illness. Life gets real simple when you're knocked down that far. All you care about is trying to make life not suck so much, and that involves napping. I excel at napping. One day soon I may snap out of it and develop laser-like focus, with every last ounce of my being dedicated towards making the pedals go roundy-round.
I'm not counting on it, though.
So, facing this variable future, a hardcore racer boy would make sure he went out with a bang. He'd throw everything he had at training and diet to ensure the best chance for results. He would as be focused and determined as a honey badger in his quest.
I'm finding it hard to muster that sort of drive this year.
A lot probably has to do with stress and its effect on my life. I have to prioritize my life, and right now sleep and other non-focused activities are high on my list. I don't want to think, because even at my peak I'm not very good at it. I just want to decompress and not worry how the 18 doughnuts I just shoved into my pie-hole will impact a race six months from now. I just want doughnuts. Screw the future. The future is scary and uncertain, but doughnuts are unintimidating and delicious.
Maybe this is also a result of trying to recover from illness. Life gets real simple when you're knocked down that far. All you care about is trying to make life not suck so much, and that involves napping. I excel at napping. One day soon I may snap out of it and develop laser-like focus, with every last ounce of my being dedicated towards making the pedals go roundy-round.
I'm not counting on it, though.
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